I feel like I’ve been very negative towards Whoopsy in this blog, and painted a bleak picture of the experience of parenting. I don’t want to leave anyone with the impression that parenting a tiny baby isn’t a joyous and rewarding experience so I’m going to list the best parts about it and about my beautiful son.
- Before having a child, I wasn’t physically and mentally trained for warfare. I used to have a fairly low pain threshold. No longer. My body can withstand the pain of standing on a small but deadly wooden building block. Day after day, I am repeatedly punched the face, poked in the eye and nipped, in a attempt to psychologically break me down to a shred of my former self, and still I feign a weak smile. Today I was head butted in the mouth so aggressively that I left an imprint of my lip on Whoopy’s skull in blood and barely flinched. I also know now that my body is able to lose 1.2 litres of blood and I won’t even lose consciousness (I am referring to labour here, not the head butting incident – that would be very impressive on the baby’s part). And have you ever tried to change the nappy of a baby whilst it is delightedly rolling around like a pig in shit? The pig is a metaphor. The shit is not. It requires nothing short of ninja prowess and lightning speed. I am not just a woman. I am a warrior. The Ministry of Defence is missing a trick by not having a front line regiment made up entirely of battered and sleep deprived mothers who are paid in weekends at Champneys Spa. We are willing to wreck havoc for that.
- Having a child has taught me patience, says every celeb mum in their HELLO magazine interview ever. Having a child did not teach me patience. I just chose not to employ it because it’s for weak willed and lazy people who are happy to slow crawl towards their death. Now, unfortunately, the choice is between exercising patience every waking hour of the day or stabbing myself in the eye with a biro out of frustration. Have you ever tried to get a six month old baby to eat something? Have you felt the PAIN of watching it pick up a piece of food, bring it tentatively towards its mouth, open its mouth and then drop it? Have you felt the sheer AGONY of watching this fifteen times over only the baby to beat you to the punchline by throwing the food on the floor on the sixteenth try. Have you cleaned it up only for the baby to cry because he didn’t have the hairy, crusty chunk of food returned to him? I am not a better person for having had a baby. I have just learnt better control over my murderous impulses.
- I’m become far less materialistic having had a baby. You may think that this is because I have come to appreciate the most important things in life and therefore have lost my attachment to superfluous belongings. You would be wrong. I’m less materialistic because everything I own has been destroyed. And the things that haven’t been completely decimated or covered in human faeces have been sucked by toothless gums to the point that they have a disgusting sheen across them much like the slimy trail of a snail. I’ve stopped trying to save or replace my belongings and simply look forward to the day that I am dead and my treasured things are passed down to my children and they realise that the joke is on them.
- That’s it. That’s all the positive things about having a kid.
- (My book, Positive Parenting and How My Child Taught Me Patience is coming soon…)