Things you should do before having a sprog

  1. Carry a dining room table, a picnic box and very expensive crockery to the top of a mountain and host a dinner party in the clouds
  2. Go to Amsterdam and pay a prostitute to read you your favourite book
  3. Publish your own weekly newspaper and each week change one word to its French equivalent until you have stealthily taught your entire readership a new language without their realisation
  4. Milk a lizard and make an artisanal cheese curd from it’s excrements
  5. Fly to a European city. Post yourself a postcard. Race it home without flying
  6. Make your own personal gin recipe at the Distillery in London and have them send a bottle to each of your favourite bars in the city. Impress dates / colleagues by smoothly ordering your own gin whenever you take them out
  7. Agree flexi-time with your boss and see how many consecutive days you can stay home before somebody notices (bonus points if you are on holiday during this time)
  8. Have protected sex. Lots of protected sex. All the protected sex.
  9. Take a survival course in a remote part of the world that teaches resileince in the face of the most hopeless and terrifying scenarios imaginable. Those skills will come in useful.
  10. Set alarm clocks for 11pm, 1.30am, 2.45am, 4.10am, 5.50am and 7am one night. Wake up at each interval, take a moment to appreciate that you don’t have to now spend thirty minutes changing, feeding, rocking and negotiating with a tiny human terrorist. Enjoy drifting back off to sleep.

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